


my name is whatever you decide and, i'm just gonna call you mine

by mel0drama



Category: Dare Me (TV 2019), Dare Me - Megan Abbott
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Beth's pov, Character Study, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Nostalgia, Past Rape/Non-con, Recklessness, Self-Destructive Tendencies, Stream of Consciousness, cw: slight eating disorder reference!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29361855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mel0drama/pseuds/mel0drama
Summary: [Reposting this fic because I'm pretty sure it didn't post to the fandom tag the first time and I'm only just realising???? Hello if you've already read this I just rearranged the tags & notes a little]The stability of where she stands in the school gym or on the football field is all she has now. Held up by the one rule her squad has always known—Eyes on your girl.And she knows she's cursed to adhere to it, no matter how heavily her own girl's eyes become clouded over by wanderlust. Even if she ends up unable to see her at all, because despite their everything, she's the rope tethering Addy to this tight-knit town.
Relationships: Beth Cassidy/Addy Hanlon
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	my name is whatever you decide and, i'm just gonna call you mine

**Author's Note:**

> addybeth part two (three if you squint) which i like to call my proudest work right now, and i had so much fun finally writing my main ship again-
> 
> the title is from Don't Blame Me by Taylor Swift,,, addybeth ANTHEM

The air is far too warm for a November night. Beth supposes, _it's not even that warm_ , but the cutting edge of the wind would've been a better feeling on her gym clothes than this strange half-heat. 

She's headed to Lanver's for a solitary practise session, her phone tracking the distance of her route as she runs down almost deserted pavements; _2.5 miles,_ it reads now, not even halfway.

It's long, but she couldn't care less. When she drives the road route, it takes her past Coach's house, that stupid fucking happy-family house which pretty much became a daily function room for her band of bitches, and, what's worse, a second home for _her_ girl. Addy. She's probably there now, even at this hour, Beth thinks, letting Coach's hands trail across her calves while she reprimands her slacking form, _enjoying_ it all. Enjoying it all more than the times they used to drill each other's tumbling in Beth's back garden, on the days her mother wasn't home ( _like s_ _he wouldn't have ignored us anyway_ ). 

She'd rather avoid that sight, and anyway, she needs to burn out the ridiculous amount of calories she assumes she'd downed, the morning before, a Sunday. She'd drank her weight in rum she'd actually bought- from the store at the end of the street which actually serves her- mixed with full-sugar coke to prove to RiRi that she could day-drink & remain fully functional for the rest of that day as well as the first day of the school week. Of course, she did. She'd masked the stars gradually filling her eyes from this morning onwards well enough to bag her bragging rights. Though, the other girl proposed it out of boredom, seemingly unable to find any entertainment following what Tacy did to her, and Beth almost felt bad that she hadn't provided an interesting display. It didn't reward her with quite the spoils some of their actual bets entailed, but it was more than the sweet nothings she's previously gained from hiding other happenings she hadn't expected. Happenings worse than a jackhammer hangover. She can suffice with knowing the ability can be of use to her, at least. 

Her vision is still partially hazy, though it had cleared up mostly in the last hour or so, the alcohol-induced smoke dispelling thanks to the remedy of time; and just to decorate her recent strike of fortune, she'd planned to practise no earlier than 9pm anyway. Nevertheless, it doesn't really bother her how badly the effects could be, as long as she's out of RiRi's sight.

_Maybe the universe is letting me breathe for once,_ she smiles to no one but herself at this thought, actively ignoring the reminder from the dark clouds looming above her of the other time she'd gotten arguably shit-faced before school, at the request of her sort-of-boyfriend at the time, who was determined to outdo her & too proud to worry about her consumption when he didn't manage to. The one in which a suspicious frown present on Addy's face trailed her around all day. Back then, that frown pissed her off immeasurably, or maybe it was the unnecessary guilt she felt, caused by her best friend's obvious concern. If anything like that happened again, it wouldn't piss her off, no, it wouldn't at all, she wouldn't do what she did then, she wouldn't snap at Addy for gawking at her like she'd just ate fish guts, she'd be so much more than happy just to feel Addy's eyes on _her_ again, for Addy to notice something's up, for Addy to care.

Just past 4 miles. Her breath is considerably shaky by now, and so she slows to a stop at the nearest corner, pulls out her phone from the pocket in her shorts to have something to pay attention to whilst she's sedentary. She doesn't want to look across from her, because she knows this section, despite having not ran this route before. Buckingham Park stands on the other side of the road, with its rusted swings, monkey bars, kids' slide, the sole basketball hoop, graffitied all over. That roundabout, and the taste of rainwater branded into her memory. And suddenly, the universe is suffocating her again, the false promise of forever whispered to her by Addy's lips that night coinciding with what she sees at the top of the message app upon opening it. 

Beth's fingers hover over Addy's contact. _'.... okay'_ reads the last message she'd sent, beneath the name, at 7:04pm. She blinks, realising that she'd zoned out while staring at it, and moved her finger to click on her squad's groupchat, an aggressive press as if diverting her eyes from her flood of unanswered virtual pleads would cause them to disappear. 

_At least they're not talking about Addy's absence here. God, she's like a fucking ghost. Wouldn't be surprised if Coach threw her phone out the window and watched it smash to keep the best control of her,_ she thinks spitefully after scrolling up a little in the chat. 

_'bitchessss i'm omw to lanver's does anyone wanna come? like serious question'_ she sends, and within a couple of minutes, the girls are on her ass about being impulsive. She grins, to herself again, as she reads their responses.

_'So u don't text all afternoon then text us to invite us to LANVER'S PEAK @ fucking 9pm????? Ur actually insane B'_ RiRi texts back, followed by, _'what the fuck'_ , from Cori, and _'Sorry but no, that's a death wish Beth lmao.'_ from Bri. 

_'u literally all suck lmaoo ur so boring. i wasn't expecting much tho. and bri, if i'm not in school tomorrow, consider whether or not that's the point... :)'_

She'd leave them with that to ponder over, she concludes, then un-pauses her music and sets away her phone ready to continue her lone venture. Thus far, no men have crossed her path, nor has anyone, actually; she'd been hoping for it to stay that way, but she figured before she left that if anything does happen to her, it'll be her own fault for going on a run at night by herself, like she's trying to rub salt into her pre-existing wound.

Because that's what it was at Playland. Her fault, because girls like her are always seeking out attention with their short skirts and attitude, partying every night with boys they barely know, being reckless with alcohol and drugs. 

A time long before that, too, different event, same hurt. When her father left to live with his sidepiece, when her mother turned to substances she didn't know then, and blamed her for the devastation of their family in a slurred voice she couldn't properly understand. She remembers the sour tang stinging her ears, unfamiliar and angry- gone was the warm laughter she was used to hearing, when she'd come sprinting back from the sand on a trip to the beach, holding as many shells as she could carry. It wasn't just the first week, like her innocent little self believed. She never heard that laughter again.

That's not to say she fully trusts what she's been told, because she doesn't. On occasion, it gets hard not to, the seeds of doubt which were sowed into her spurting up more than usual. But she's always able to swallow them back down to size— only since none of them were planted by Addy. (And, obviously, Beth is thinking of her again. She could just _spit_ on her fucking feelings.)

These new ones hurt her. Knowing they _were_ planted by Addy, even though she's not heard a word from the other girl's mouth. Her eyes of cold steel are telling enough- they couldn't be more different to the glittering diamonds which used to shine whenever she looked at Beth. Coach is unravelling, Sarge Will is unravelling, and it's her fault. Beth couldn't care less about Coach. For all she cares, the ageing demon could find her special place in hell and rot there. It's the knowledge that Addy blames her for the woman's life issues, just as her mother used to do, instead of how she once was on Beth's bad nights, reassuring her that her mother's blame is unjust. 

And she, too, blames herself. Not for Coach's shitty little personal problems, but for her and Addy's. Maybe, she considers sometimes, she is the one to hold accountable. Not Casey Jaye, not Slocum, not Jordy Jones, or any other boy Addy's fucked about with. Not even Coach's. Maybe she lit the candle too close to their history, and now she's trapped, forced to watch its flame lick at every corner (fuelled only by her _'jealousy'_ , and her _'spite'_ , and her _'boredom'_ ), closing in on the middle at a torturously slow speed.

* * *

By the time Beth reaches Lanver's, the air has finally gotten cold, the sky so dark she can hardly see in front of her. She walks the final stretch up to the peak itself, slowly, processing the fact that there didn't end up being anyone around to hurt her. _Sutton Grove is that much of a no-go town that I didn't even see any drunks with heavy hands this late at night,_ she thinks with a quiet scoff. _I can't blame Addy for wanting to fuck out of here and leave me at the first chance she gets._

She pauses briefly mid-way to check her phone again, for the time. The screen's light is too sharp in contrast to her dim surroundings, and her eyes screw up involuntarily as she reads the numbers. 9:38pm. Sure, it isn't as late as she'd anticipated, but it's probably better this way.

She's shivering plenty now, the growing frost of the atmosphere combined with the drop of her body heat since she'd stopped running causing a chill to run across her body. She wraps the jacket she'd chosen to wear tighter around her arms, gritting her teeth. _I'm pretty much there, I'll be fine once I start practising,_ she tells herself, enough motivation to get her up to the top. It's a good distraction whilst it applies, until it doesn't, and she's gazing out at the cliff's edge, forcing herself not to walk closer to it, because here she is, remembering not the countless parties she'd attended, the boys she'd been a magnet to, they all faded into a blur after a day or two—

but the lazy afternoons with Addy. Their off days spent lying next to each other on this forest earth, almost too close to that cliff's edge, smoking & laughing about old times, half-dazed, Addy tracing the bare skin of her forearm.

_'Damn, bitch, your muscles are tight even this low.'_

_'Course. I treat 'em well.'_

Sometimes she'd lean over slightly, and Beth could smell the weed on her breath, like an intoxicating spell casted on the air overhead, an enchanting juxtaposition filling up Beth's lungs,

and she'd glance over to see Addy's head lifted, and her lips would be pulled into a smile, a real one. 

Not the fake shit she'd been subjected to lately. 

_'What are you smiling at?'_

_'Your face.'_ (Addy's subtle flirting, the sole thing Beth occasionally lost to in their tug of war. It made her stupidly soft to the bone, more than she ever did let on).

_'...Touché.'_

She exhales, averting her gaze to the dimly-lit grass & wood underfoot. It's not too muddy, thankfully- she won't have to carry out her plan of taking off her trainers outside so that she doesn't walk sludge onto the clean white tiles her mother loves more than her.

She can do what she came here to do, practise until her calves bleed, a worthy diversion from how her candied memories are turning bitter. If she ends up with nothing else, she'll still have her glittering view from the top of the pyramid. It's comforting in a strange way, though she wouldn't admit it. That doesn't suit her style, caring about her future in cheer. Caring about anything, really. Then again, she supposes the idea of her future isn't what comforts her; her present does. Her past is crumbling behind her, her future she can't envision anymore (and she doesn't even want one if it'd be anything like this), so the stability of where she stands in the school gym or on the football field is all she has now. Held up by the one rule her squad has always known— 

Eyes on your girl.

And she knows she's cursed to adhere to it, no matter how heavily her own girl's eyes become clouded over by wanderlust. Even if she ends up unable to see her at all, because despite their everything, she's the rope tethering Addy to this tight-knit town.

_The Plank. Easy warm-up,_ Beth lowers herself to the ground, focusing on her form. She'd chosen to come here for the exhilaration of being so far from the rest of Sutton Grove, all else nothing but a speck of dust below the abyss, not so that her remembrances could play on her mind the same way they always did as of late. _1, 2, 3—_

"...You were wearing- hey..."

Fleetingly, she thinks she'd imagined the tentative greeting directed at her. Why would anyone be here? Why would _Addy_ be here?

Then the voice comes again, and she recognises she's not losing her shit, just like she recognises that speaker. "Am I interrupting something...?" 

Addy had noticed the yellow jacket with its black-rimmed collar and cuffs. Beth forgot she'd even put it on, and now that she realises, she can't see why she'd decided to. Addy haunts her subconscious, in addition to her waking mind, or something. She fucking hates it, whatever it is. She stands up again, doesn't turn around, however.

"No. I came to practise, but I only just got here. You?" Maybe it's because she's afraid of making contact with those frustratingly captivating dark eyes. 

"I saw what you texted our squad's group... I had to come, make sure you're not doing anything stupid."

_That would be ironic if it_ did _sound like she cares about what could happen to me, not because of me. But the latter is the case, apparently._ It's now that Beth decides to turn to Addy, her gaze moving slowly to gauge the other's expression before establishing eye contact. It's a challenge to Addy _(except it's not, Beth's scared of seeing something unfamiliar and cold beneath a familiar face)_ and what Beth sees in her physical features- that same blank, impersonal emotion she heard in her voice- causes a scornful, but not disbelieving, laugh.

"So you've come to supervise me like a fucking booster mum after seeing my texts to them, but you've ghosted my texts just to you for _six_ _hours_?"

"Beth-" That's the voice she's heard many times before. The voice of Lieutenant Addy, who takes no bullshit, from her or anyone. She hears it when Addy thinks she's overstepping the boundaries she was never taught, and usually she relaxes into it just fine, because _usually_ it's when Addy is worried for her safety above anything else, regardless of how sharp her tone may be. It's in the unusual moments that she can't bear listening to it.

Like at cheer camp, when she and Casey Jaye went head-to-head in a contest to settle the better top girl, but it wasn't really for that, and they were both pushing harder than they knew was advised, two pairs of eyes searching desperately for the approval of the taller girl below. She only grinned back at one, approval as blatant as her feelings softening her features, and for the other it was, _'Beth, there's no way you'd do all this normally. Just— stand down, okay? Whatever you're trying to prove to me... don't. It's not worth fucking your body up over.'_

Like right now- Addy's not worried about her, not really, and she _can't_ hear what she has to say, because it won't be anything good. 

She interrupts. "Here you go again. If you're gonna lecture me, don't bother saying anything. Don't bother staying, either. Go back to Coach's, or wherever the fuck you've been staying all night where you've not even cared enough to let me know you never want to speak to me again." Her voice had taken on a increasingly bitter tone inadvertently, and she's almost shocked by it, but not enough to apologise. She just shuts her mouth, aware of the coming retort. 

" _Beth."_ Addy's voice is even steelier now, the assertiveness piercing into Beth, although she maintains their eye contact. _I'm not afraid of you, and you know it. I'm afraid of you leaving, but you don't know that, and you never will, will you?_

"It's not safe to be here at what, fucking 10? I don't even want to hear how long you were planning on staying for. I'm taking you home." She continues, and Beth knows it's not an offer. She has to admit that to herself, but she doesn't. She laughs again, airily this time. 

"I was planning on staying until morning. Thought, _well, if I don't end up sleeping and can't focus in class, I can just skip practise after. It's not like Coach'd make me top girl anyway._ " She twists the truth to evoke a more interesting reaction- she'd planned to leave at midnight- but that's not exactly early. Plus, the last part is no word of a lie. She assumes that maybe mentioning Coach did make it all burn up, _of course it did,_ as Addy closes the space between them, her expression bordering on genuinely pissed off. Beth can't push down the smile which creeps onto her lips.

"You are fucking insufferable," Addy states flatly, no trace of a tease present, staring right into Beth's ice-coloured eyes as she grabs her wrist firmly. "We're going. I'll take you to mine if the last thing you want is to deal with that pisshead mother of yours, but _we're not staying here._ Got it?"

That's the catalyst. Beth begins to feel genuinely unsafe. It's foreign, and she thinks, _it's no different to the couple other times she's got seriously mad at you,_ but it throws her off, her reaction to how _Addy_ grabbed her roughly like... that. Her throat tightens, like some invisible enemy is strangling her, and her quiet reply comes out thick. "...Fine. Can I sleep over...?"

And she doesn't need to say anything else, because Addy loosens her grip and drops her gaze, gently caressing the back of Beth's hand like her skin is made of glass- fragile, regardless of its sharpness. It takes her a second to answer, and when she does, her voice is the most tender it's been all day.

"...Yeah. Sure, you can." Then she says it, looking up at Beth's face again. "...I'm sorry."

For the first time in a pretty long while, Addy is apologising, _truthfully_. Beth can tell. 

Maybe... she was actually worried when she'd decided to come and keep tabs on her out of nowhere. 

"I provoked you." She responds, a lot quicker than Addy had, although she's unable to return her gesture; her own eyes flit over the earth, from left to right. 

"Yeah, and neither did you need to be so condescending. But... that's just you. I...didn't expect you to suddenly draw back like that...You look like you're seeing ghosts on the ground." Addy pauses. Concern is plastered all over her expression, and Beth notices it. It's a paradoxical warmth. She doesn't speak, but she presses close to Addy, not letting herself process how much she truly needs her solace, not just right now, but forever. Addy takes it as a sign, and ventures, "What happened...?" 

"I don't know."

But she does. Sort of. Her voice is taut, not in answer to Addy, however; more to convince herself that she's being senseless, Addy wouldn't hurt her, not in that way, she'd _protect_ her.

_Would she? You lied to her that morning for a reason. She took you to Coach's house that night, surely she knew she wouldn't care about you, surely she knew you don't trust her, surely she knew—_

_But tonight there's no Coach._ She suppresses the shivers caused by feeling her heartbeat against Addy's chest. _Just you and her. Just you and....._

"Let's go home," Beth breathes out, finally re-establishing eye contact with Addy. She manages a sincere smile, too. "We can stay up a little longer, and fuck it, talk about nothing. I just want you by my side...Addy." She enunciates her name, as if affirming that it is her girl next to her, her trustworthy lieutenant, the one who's touch is a delicate butterfly.

"Good idea- it's fucking freezing," Addy says; a strained laugh proceeds it, more a noise of disbelief than an actual laugh. "I don't know what you were thinking doing _this_ , but... I guess I can't say I'm surprised."

_Neither do I._ _I needed to escape everything of you echoing in my mind, but I made it stronger, coming here._ Beth wants to say, but she holds the thought. Instead, she mumbles a sound of affirmation, followed by a more coherent, "Yeah. Neither am I, funnily enough."

Addy rolls her eyes, no more angry than a docile puppy this time around, then wraps her arm around Beth's shoulders, the type of thing she's done enough times before for it to now come almost naturally. Enveloped in her newfound contentment, Beth relaxes further into the taller girl's frame, only to be gently pushed away. "We're walking to my car," Addy says pointedly, though not maliciously. "Right now you're sobered up and _can_ walk, so I'm stealing the moment. Up," she directs, and Beth groans, lifting her head.

"Little shit," she mutters in annoyance, loud enough for Addy to hear.

" _I'm_ the little shit?" Addy counters at the speed of lightning- she's experienced this often enough, too- then sighs with a relinquishing smile. "...Fine, I'll give you this. At least you're acting like yourself."

Beth barely even registers the victory she's obtained; she's too busy actively spiting the thorn branches tangled around her thoughts, basking in the peace she's feeling from Addy being right next to her. Only her, like it always used to be. It's a bigger success than a few words which probably mean nothing anyway, and she loves it. 

The pair are walking now, Addy quiet with focus on the steep decline ahead. Beth observes this drive, those brown eyes always staring down what's in front of them like they're a block of pure iron, never slipping from their goal, and smirks at Addy as she nudges her side quite harshly.

"Bitch!" Addy yells- she doesn't stumble, but her eyes do, and Beth knows her irritation is a result of that. "Did you not hear what I just said? Leave me be for _one second_ , for fuck's sake." 

"An easy win doesn't satisfy me, Hanlon. You should know that by now."

"Nothing satisfies you." Addy's eyes are already trained on the path again, refusing to allow Beth's prompting to distract her. 

"I'd be satisfied if you'd let me stay where I was- it was nice there. This is on you." 

"Shut up and walk properly. I'm not dealing with you if you fall."

Beth chuckles at the blatant falseness of this. "You're forgetting I have as much control over my body as you do, when I want to. So I'm not going to. _But_ , you would."

Addy doesn't answer, only shakes her head slightly accompanied by another (somewhat) resigned sigh. Confirmation that Beth is right, yet again. She concludes that Addy deserves a little compliance, and treads carefully the rest of the way, as well as keeping on her filter. 

* * *

"Get in."

They're at Addy's car now- it's parked pretty haphazardly, directly in front of the tight entrance which is well-hidden from anyone who isn't aware there's a whole expanse of woods beyond it. Addy really hadn't planned to be staying long, apparently. She has the passenger door held open.

Beth obliges, sliding into the seat. "Seriously, though. What were you doing all afternoon for you to not text me back?" She asks, turning to Addy as the other joins her from the opposite side, settling into her driver's position. It's out of morbid curiosity. Beth's sure she already knows the answer, and her suspicion is only confirmed by Addy's reply, a beat too late, her tone not honest enough to pass as such.

"I went home, but I was practising RiRi's part, and it slipped my mind to text you back after I'd finished. You know me, I hate distractions when I'm doing stuff like that. Sorry."

Beth can't decide whether the fact that Addy had lied to her again, the referral to her messages as a distraction, or the glaring truth of where she'd actually went was the worst. She settles on each being equally as bad as the others. "You're forgiven," she responds, not completely sincere. She doesn't bring up what she's conscious of, either; the necessary maintenance of her part in their game for two.

"You are alright... right?" Addy says, that same concern from earlier dripping clearly off her as if it were a fresh pot of honey. Beth wonders sometimes, how can she lie so effortlessly and show that kind of worry in the same breath? Maybe she thinks that the lies she tell are nothing but harmless pin-pricks coated in the same white of her purity.

"Yeah." Beth isn't even sure herself if that's the truth. "Be careful the next time you ignore my texts, though. I might start thinking you've died, crashed this precious vehicle or been caught in the neck by the blade of a street-killer," she adds bluntly, only half joking. 

"Don't be stupid. I'm not going to die," Addy says with a frown, then starts the engine. The car accelerates, and she looks away from Beth, fixing her gaze on the road.

Beth doesn't move her own eyes. She's watching Addy, a familiar form of longing she can't describe weaving through her knotted mind. "You could do. Anyone can die. Live in the moment, as they say, babe." And she thinks, saying that,

_She's my girl, and if she goes back to grovelling at Coach's feet tomorrow, I don't care._

(She does. However, her bliss being temporary is a small price to pay for what it's worth.)

_I don't have_ _to bring up 'last night at Lanver's' if she does, and I won't, and it'll be burnt in the back of her mind, and she'll want to forget it,_ _but she won't. She can ghost me to her pretty little heart's content tomorrow, and she can let her not-so-blissful ignorance build up like plaque for however many months she pretends she's not mine, because she is tonight._

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! i have another addybeth fic in progress, because they have me in a chokehold, coming very soon; so stick around if you enjoyed this <3


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